How to make friends online as an adult#

Making friends as an adult can be oddly embarrassing to talk about. As if there was a deadline, everyone else met it, and now asking where to find friends is admitting you misplaced the instruction booklet.

You haven't missed anything. People move, change jobs, drift apart, spend years looking after family, or simply discover that their social life no longer fits. Life moves people around. You haven't failed a test.

School put the same people in your path every day, with plenty of time to get used to each other. Adult life doesn't reliably do that for you. Finding a place to return to helps put some of that ordinary contact back into your week, without every meeting needing to be a carefully scheduled event.

And yes, you can make friends online. The practical starting point is to find somewhere you'd enjoy returning to, talk to a few people, and come back to the chats you enjoyed.

I run Wusoup, a small chat community, so I'm naturally partial to meeting people through words.

One user wrote in their feedback: "I myself made a couple friends I regularly talk with on the site." That's the lovely, ordinary outcome we're after here: people you're happy to keep talking to.

Find a place you'd want to spend time anyway#

A hobby forum, a book group, a gaming community, a language exchange, a pen-pal site, or a dedicated friendship community can all give you a reason to talk to someone new.

Choose something you'd enjoy even if you don't meet a future best friend this week. That's what makes returning feel natural. If every visit is a test of whether you've successfully acquired a friend, the whole business gets miserable quite quickly.

Look at how people treat each other. Are newcomers welcomed? Can someone ask a basic question without being mocked? Does anyone seem interested in what others have to say?

Also notice whether you're getting to know anyone, or mostly collecting followers and reactions. You can have an audience and still have nobody to tell about your terrible day.

And choose a format that suits you. You may love a lively group, or prefer one person at a time. Writing may give you room to think; voice chat while playing something together may feel easier.

Start smaller than "making a friend"#

You don't need to know whether a stranger could become important to you. Start by finding out a little about them.

Respond to something they wrote. Ask what they enjoyed about the book, how they got into the hobby, or what happened with the thing they were trying to fix. Share something of your own so they have a person to respond to as well.

For example:

You mentioned trying to learn the guitar. How's it going? I'm trying to learn to draw, and finding it humbling to be a complete beginner at something again.

Nothing spectacular there. Just an opening that says you paid attention, and gives the other person a couple of directions to take.

If the blank screen makes your brain empty too, these questions for a new online friend may help. You only need one that interests you.

Come back to the conversation#

This is the easily missed part. Meeting someone and getting to know them are different tasks.

If you enjoyed a chat, say so. Ask how the interview went. Send the thought you had later about something they said. Return to a subject you both liked.

You don't have to be endlessly original. Familiarity is built out of small things: recognising someone's humour, remembering their plans, discovering that you both have strong opinions about an apparently uncontroversial soup.

Over time, you stop needing to find a topic because you already share a little context.

That takes repeated contact, which can be awkward to arrange around adult life. Be straightforward about your availability. A weekly exchange that you both enjoy is better than promising daily replies you can't sustain.

Let some chats stay small#

You won't click with everyone. Some conversations will be pleasant once, others will quietly fade, and a few may grow into something you really value.

Try not to turn the quieter ones into evidence that nobody wants to know you. You're meeting individuals, each with their own life, mood, and available attention. A stranger's slow reply tells you very little about your worth.

At the same time, you don't have to keep rescuing a chat where all the effort comes from you. If you've offered a few openings and nothing comes back, it's okay to move on.

A few things that make it harder#

Waiting for everyone else to write first is understandable, but it can leave a room full of people all quietly waiting for each other. Take a small turn at being the person who says hello.

Trying to seem impressive can also get in the way. Share the actual hobby, even if it's obscure. Especially if it's obscure! You're looking for someone who enjoys getting to know you, not a committee scoring your interests.

And if you only want friendship, choose a place that supports that. Repeatedly having to fend off flirting is exhausting. You shouldn't need to spend all your social energy defending the reason you joined.

What I'm trying to make easier#

On Wusoup, dating is off the table, and kindness and effort are expected from everyone. The hope is that you can spend your time getting to know people, with a little less reason to have your guard up.

It's for online friendship and conversation. If you want local activities, video calls, or group chats, the other kinds of friendship apps may suit you better.

For now, pick one place and write to someone about something that interests you. You can worry about whether you'll be friends for life a bit later :-)