How to find a pen pal (and keep in touch)#

If you want to find a pen pal, start with the kind of correspondence you'd actually enjoy keeping up. Paper letters? Long online messages? A mix of thoughtful writing and little updates when something funny happens?

You don't have to recreate a school pen-pal programme to have this in your life as an adult. You need someone who wants to write, something to write about, and a way to find each other.

That last bit can take some patience.

Whichever route you try, look for a place where people write more than a greeting and come back to answer each other. A huge directory isn't much use if nobody replies, and a delivery delay can't turn "hi dear" into a thoughtful letter.

Where to find a pen pal#

For paper letters: postal clubs and directories#

If choosing stationery and finding an envelope in the post are part of the appeal, look for a postal pen-pal club or directory. A shared-interest group around letters, languages, or stationery can also be a place to start.

Check for recent activity and a clear explanation of how introductions work. An attractive directory with profiles nobody has touched in years won't give you much to write home about. Sorry.

Before sharing an address, check who will be able to see it. A public listing and a private exchange with one person are very different things. If you don't want to share your home address, consider whether a PO box or another suitable mailing address is practical for you.

For online letters: pen-pal sites and letter apps#

Profile-based pen-pal sites let you look for someone whose interests or introduction catch your attention. Read beyond the demographic fields. "I like books" could describe half the site; someone's gloriously specific opinion about a book gives you a starting point.

Letter apps put more emphasis on the correspondence itself. Slowly is one example: it delays delivery to bring some of the anticipation of post to online letters. You can browse for someone yourself or let it match you. Whichever service you try, read the rules before settling in; Slowly's are here, including how to report someone who's causing problems.

A slower format may appeal to you, but you'll still need to find a person whose interests and writing habits fit. If you enjoy a couple of paragraphs once a week, say so. The person hoping for a daily novella will appreciate knowing.

For an ongoing chat: small communities#

A hobby forum or chat community can be a good route if you like getting to know people gradually. You may start by talking about one shared interest and find that, a few weeks later, you're exchanging stories about your lives.

Check whether personal correspondence is welcome, whether the community is active, and whether its rules match what you're looking for. A place that welcomes dating enquiries will feel different from one devoted to friendship.

My own chat community, Wusoup, is in this corner. It's for adults 19+, with no artificial delivery delay: chat live when you're both around, or pick up a message later. Making an effort is part of the rules.

It's worth considering if you like the idea of pen pals but don't need the postage. For paper letters, a postal club makes more sense.

Give someone a reason to write back#

Once you've found a possible correspondent, read their introduction and respond to something specific.

Suppose they mention learning to bake bread. You could tell them about your own attempt, ask how theirs is going, or confess that you're mostly qualified to eat it. You already have a subject. No dazzling opener required.

Share a little about yourself too, including the kind of correspondence you're hoping for. "I usually write at weekends, and I'd love to hear about everyday life where you are" is more useful than a long list of generic likes.

A few thoughtful paragraphs are plenty to start. Saying hello is fine; making "hello" the entire message gives the other person all the work.

There's an example first letter here if you'd like help getting past the blank box. Use your own details and voice. You're trying to find someone who'd enjoy hearing from you.

When the second letter is harder than the first#

Introductions are easy compared with deciding what to say about an ordinary Wednesday. It can feel as if you've used up all your interesting facts and must now become a more interesting person by next weekend.

You don't. Ordinary life is much of what you're there to share.

Tell them about the neighbour's ambitious gardening project, something you're trying to learn, a small frustration, a thing you changed your mind about. Ask what became of something they mentioned. You don't need a major life event to justify a letter.

Let the length vary, too. If every reply must match the longest one you've ever sent, you'll eventually need a holiday to answer your post.

Keeping in touch without making it a chore#

Say what pace suits you, and accept that it may change. "Busy month here; I'll be slow replying" can spare both people a lot of unnecessary guessing.

Some correspondences will peter out. Others will last. A first message doesn't decide everything, and a missed reply isn't a verdict on your personality. Try writing to another person if one exchange goes nowhere.

But patience doesn't mean tolerating pressure. If someone keeps steering towards romance, asking for personal details you don't want to share, or bringing up requests for money, you can stop and use the site's reporting tools. You don't owe continued correspondence to someone making you uneasy.

The hope is a much simpler arrangement: two people who are glad to hear from each other. Pen pals are still very much a thing. You get to decide what that looks like in your life.