What to write to a new pen pal#

Writing to a stranger is peculiar. You know nothing about each other, but the whole point is to fix that with a letter. So you sit down and suddenly "hello, I am a person who enjoys music" sounds like the opening of a witness statement.

Your first message does not need to be profound. It only needs to show that you chose this person, let them see a little of who you are, and give them something worth answering.

I've already written about where to find a pen pal. This is the bit after you find one and the blank box appears.

Read the profile first#

Find one thing that catches your attention because you share it, don't understand it, or want to know more about it.

Not their face. Not whether they are single. The person wrote about restoring motorcycles, learning Korean, collecting terrible album covers, or trying to grow basil in a hostile climate. Start there.

This also answers the quiet question behind every stranger's inbox: "Did you write to me, or did you paste this into forty boxes?"

A perfectly adequate first message#

Hey, I noticed you're into old science fiction and hiking. Strong combo. Most of my reading has been newer stuff, but I finally read The Left Hand of Darkness last month and now I understand why everyone kept nagging me. What's your favourite Le Guin book?
I work with computers, so walking is also how I remind myself that the world contains solid objects. You mentioned a trail near where you live - what do you like about it?

That's enough. It mentions something from the profile, shares a couple real details, and asks questions the writer actually seems to care about.

You don't need to be a poet. A few thoughtful sentences are usually plenty to prove that you're a real person who read another real person's profile.

What should you say about yourself?#

Two or three actual details beat a list of facts. Instead of "I like music, travel, food and movies", tell them what you have on repeat, the trip that went wrong, the dish you're trying to learn, or the film you still think about.

Useful places to start:

Something occupying your attention lately.
A hobby you care about, including what you like about it.
What an ordinary week looks like where you are.
A small project or problem you're working on.
Something about your corner of the world that might surprise them.
What kind of correspondence you're hoping for.

You do not need to summarize your childhood, career, beliefs, and every major life event. There will, with luck, be other letters.

How many questions should you ask?#

Usually one to three. Enough to make replying easy; not enough to create homework.

What has been keeping you curious lately?
What do you enjoy about the place where you live?
Is there a book, game, film, or idea you've been trying to press on everyone?
What does a good quiet day look like for you?
How did you get into the hobby you mentioned?

There are more questions here, but the best one will come from their profile. A relevant ordinary question beats an imported fascinating one.

For most online correspondence, three to six short paragraphs is plenty. A paper letter can naturally run longer. Match the place and, once you have a reply, roughly match the other person's energy.

Things that quietly ruin a first letter#

The generic greeting. "Hi, how are you?" gives them nothing. You can say hi - civilization will survive - but put a real sentence after it.

The disguised dating message. Comments on appearance, relationship questions, instant intimacy, pet names. People seeking friendship have seen this manoeuvre before, and they are tired.

The questionnaire. Twelve numbered questions may be efficient, but so is a tax return. Let subjects emerge over time.

The overshare. Honesty matters; boundaries do too. Don't make a stranger responsible for your worst experiences before trust exists.

The performance. You don't need to sound fascinating. You need to sound like yourself, otherwise the wrong person may write back.

The AI letter. Please don't. The goal is for two humans to learn each other's voices. If a machine writes yours, your correspondent is building a friendship with autocomplete while you supervise.

Then leave them alone#

Read the message once before sending. Is there something clear they could reply to? If the only answer is "fine thanks", add a real detail or question.

Then send it and let them answer at their pace. Do not follow it with "??". Pen pals have jobs, families, moods, and laundry. Slow replies are part of the deal.

I run Wusoup, a small adults-only community for thoughtful 1-on-1 text chat. The people who do best there are not necessarily wonderful writers. They're the ones who read a profile, make an effort, and give the other person a reason to want to write back.