How to be a better listener (especially in text)#

Most of us think we're decent listeners. We don't wander off while somebody is speaking. We wait until their mouth stops moving before beginning our much more relevant story. Exemplary stuff.

Text removes even those comforting signs. There is no nod, eye contact, or well-timed "mm". The other person mostly has to judge whether you listened from what you write next.

So becoming a better listener in text starts there: let what they actually said affect your reply. That sounds obvious. It's surprisingly easy to forget.

Answer what they actually said#

Suppose someone writes:

Work has been awful. My manager keeps changing what she wants, and now I don't trust anything I finish enough to send it.

A reply like "yeah work sucks" recognizes the category but misses the person. The hard part isn't merely work. It's the moving target, and what that has done to their confidence.

You might say:

That sounds exhausting - especially the second-guessing. Is she aware that the instructions keep changing, or does each new version arrive as though it was always the plan?

You don't need to repeat every message back like a trainee counsellor. Just respond to the bit with weight in it.

And react before asking them to continue:

Them: I finally passed the exam!
You: How many times did you take it?

Perfectly relevant. Also a rather chilly first response to good news.

"You did it! I know how much work that took. How are you feeling now that it's actually over?" gives them a moment to enjoy it with you.

In person, your face would have supplied the reaction. In text, type it.

Don't make every story yours#

We often show understanding by finding a similar experience:

That happened to me too...

This can be warm and connecting. It can also mean that they get three lines before your story takes over.

Share enough to show that you understand, then give the subject back:

I had a manager like that, and after a while I checked everything six times. It followed me home too. Is the second-guessing staying at work for you, or has it started leaking into the rest of your life?

Listening doesn't mean revealing nothing yourself. Have opinions. Tell stories. Just notice when the other person's story has quietly disappeared underneath yours.

Don't fix everything#

Many complaints contain a trap for the practical-minded: a problem! At last, something we can solve!

The person may already know they could update their CV, call the doctor, set a boundary, make a schedule, and drink more water. Try asking:

Want suggestions, or do you just need to vent?

If they want help, help. If they want to complain to someone who gets it, you can stop trying to turn them into a small project.

And if you do give advice, offer it rather than issue it. "Would it help to...?" lands differently from "You need to...".

Remember the small things#

The dog was ill. Their sister was visiting. The seedlings finally appeared. Tuesday was the interview. Ask about it later.

It's a small way of saying that what they told you mattered enough to remember.

If you have trouble keeping track, a little private note can help. Wusoup has private notes for this, but use whatever works for you. The dog won't mind.

Leave room for being wrong#

Text is missing tone, timing, expression, and most of the equipment humans use to understand one another. Misreading it is not a rare event.

So interpret gently:

I may be reading this wrong, but it sounds like you're more disappointed than angry?

Now they can say yes, no, or "mostly hungry, actually" without having to defend themselves against your diagnosis.

If someone dodges a question, gives a short answer, or says they would rather not talk about something, move on. Do not keep approaching the same boundary with different wording. Being curious about someone does not give you a right to everything they know, feel, or have lived through.

You can come back and try again#

Sometimes you'll realise, a few messages later, that you skipped over the important part. You can go back: "Sorry, I got distracted by the work story. You said you've been having a hard week - how are you doing?"

You don't have to get every reply right. Being willing to notice and try again is part of caring about someone too.

I run Wusoup. I can ban someone for being awful. I cannot make two people notice each other. Read what they wrote. Let it change what you write next.

For the practical companion, here's how to keep an online conversation going.